Personal nonsense? Sign me up!

So my best friend told me to start a humor blog. I thought the idea was great (who doesn’t love a creative outlet?) but obviously it was absolutely imperative that I wait an entire year before putting a single word on paper (this is not real paper). 

I feel like everyone is self-diagnosing or doctor-diagnosing ADHD in adults these days so I will not do that. But I will let the time facts speak for themselves (I have not worked more than 15 hours a week for five years now and I recently ordered 8 kilos of peanut butter online, so any professionals in recognizing neuro-divergence, please holler). 

Anyway, it is a year later now, and I am a year older and none-the-wiser (also none-the-more-diligent). And I still don’t have any real words to say in any real way to affect (effect?) any real result. C’est la vie, so they say (oui oui I live in France baguette fromage putain de merde).  

So I am 29 years old, and it is my birthday in one month, which means I will be 30 in one month (quick math). I’m not sure what to do with that, or if there’s anything to do with it, other than do a quick thought spiral (keep it tight we have things to do) and then post cheers bestie (it’s me, my aging, the bestie) on IG. 

I’m also going through a divorce (every little tomboy’s dream) and wanted the paperwork to go through as soon as possible for the sole reason of having some good fodder for an IG caption. (Does anyone else exist in a constant pop-up comic-strip thought bubble world? Where the bubbles are witty captions that you never have a picture to go with because you don’t take pictures so you don’t post them on IG and you slowly but surely turn into a hermit on the other side of the world? Haha yeah me neither cheers mate.)

(Actually, the first time I smoked weed I was in college and with a gangle of geese I didn’t know, and there was no guru so I got feckin’ tanked out my bazookas, and I was completely convinced that I was not, in fact, “high” (as they say) until I realized that I was a great round blue blob man and all of my words were etched out above me in speech bubbles on a great big comic strip of completely zonked out delirium. So, in that case, come to think of it, I actually was in a “constant pop-up comic-strip thought bubble world” to quote a great round blue blob author.)

Anyway here are the caption contenders for the big birthday IG post:

Divorced by 30, living the dream!!: a bit basic, kinda sad, which I am not because he was an emotionally manipulative sack of scrambled eggs? Not to mention he was blonde?? Ugh ugh, what was I thinking.

Divorced and gayer than ever!!: double hitter, announcing a divorce (and thus implying the existence of a marriage, which I never got around to posting about in the first place), and also coming out?? I mean, c’mon c’mon (Sheryl Crow, 2002).

I hear the key to your 20s is not peaking in them: neatly age-focused, but how will people know I’m a cool and low-key divorcée who has picked up a raspy voice (but that’s not all she picked up, huhuhuh) from hand-rolling cigarettes in the French countryside?? (My voice is still squeaky and I’ve been told my rolled cigs are unsmokeable, but I did get herpes so you do the math).

So anyway Gen-Z is probably very embarrassed for me and honestly, they are probably right (at least I do my best not to say adulting? Also avo toast is mid at best (did I use mid right there?)). But I suppose all 420 (haha hell yeah high-five blue blob man) of my followers will just have to continue not knowing anything about my life because I can’t commit to a picture/caption combo and also hate the thought that someone will think I’m vain by posting a cute (I mean she’s got a certain look, if you’re into that, I suppose) pic of myself on the only social app I use and then immediately uninstalling it so I don’t have to field the endless stream of likes and comments that will inevitably flow in. 

Haha cheers bestie this is 30 like comment and subscribe!!